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Success versus Failure

Are you hung up on achieving a vaginal birth?

Is your worst fear being induced?

One issue I find women struggle with when they’re preparing for birth is wanting things to go a certain way or else they feel they’ve failed or their body has failed.

Feelings of failure or fear of failure are often the result of deeply held beliefs about how things should be in order to be happy or successful or loveable etc.

And this doesn’t just apply to pregnancy and birth!

Most women are constantly putting pressure on themselves to achieve certain outcomes or feel they’ve failed.

Yes, it’s a powerful thing to have goals – that’s what helps you know what you want and to go after it. BUT, what’s more important is focusing on how you desire to feel unconditional of an outcome.

When you’re focused on achieving a particular outcome as a measure of success this creates a condition that must be met before you can experience the feelings of success.

It could be having a vaginal birth, or getting baby to sleep through the night or in their own bed, or having a home that is display-house immaculate. Or, it might be success is equated to earning a particular income, or measuring a certain weight on the scales, or having relationship fulfilment.

Whatever it might be, the end result is the same: unless you achieve the goal that you associate with success, the underlying premise is that you’ve somehow failed.

The problem with this is that outcomes contain variables that you can’t always control.

You might have a pelvis that is the wrong shape to birth your baby; or your baby might have digestive issues that mean they cry every night for the first twelve months; or you might naturally have a curvy body that doesn’t want to conform to dieting etc. These are all variables that may get in the way of you experiencing the outcome you want.

Outcomes contain variables that you can’t control but what you CAN control is how you choose to think and feel unconditional of what the outcome looks like.

Here’s another reason why focusing on outcomes is not the best option. According to the medical model a ‘successful’ birth outcome is a living baby. Because the emphasis is on the outcome, consideration is not given to how that outcome is achieved. Baby might be physically alive, but at what cost? How was mum treated throughout the process? Is it a successful birth if the mother feels fearful, out of control and emotionally traumatised throughout?

Success is a state of mind. It’s the journey not the destination that counts. Whether you feel successful or whether you feel a failure is dependent on your thoughts. It is how you think about a certain issue that creates your feeling emotional response.

How you feel should always be the heart of the matter.

You should have a vaginal birth. You should avoid induction. You should breast feed. You should avoid pain relief during labor. You should be able to get your baby to sleep through the night. You should breast feed on demand. You should be meditating to relax. You should go to the gym three times a week. You should have a perfect body. You should live in a big house full of appliances and you should never have dishes on the sink. You should not have hairy legs…ever.

What you should do is care about how you feel.

Success IS NOT having it together with your perfect body and your perfect work life, your perfect baby and your perfect relationship.

Success is not attachment to birth being a certain way but how you choose to feel throughout the journey.

Success is a choice to feel good about yourself, your body and your external world no matter what.

Success is total, radical self love and acceptance.

Redefining your definition of success so that it’s unconditional and no longer dependent on a particular outcome allows you to let go of attachment to how things should be and instead surrender to the beauty and appreciation of what is.

Success is a feeling state, not an outcome and you always have choice over how you feel.

 

 

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